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Tip: Hire a Sith Lord to Run Your HR Department

by Eric Baker
on 2015-12-15

So apparently there’s a Star Wars movie coming out this week? The marketing effort has been remarkably subtle, kind of like the poster artwork above.

For the literal-minded: That was sarcasm. Once the commercial for that CoverGirl/Star Wars cross-promotion aired a few weeks ago, it became clear that the relentless Hollywood hype machine had finally and unmercifully hit 11 on a scale of 10, a la Spinal Tap. Even those of us dying to see the film 127 times are tiring of the media saturation, if for no other reason than we (there, I admitted it) want to avoid spoilers. In fact, dodging Star Wars:The Force Awakens spoilers is now certified as a calorie-burning activity.

If you’re one of us, rest easy; this is a spoiler-free zone. We don’t know what happens in the film either, though we expect the following:

  1. A hero of humble origins will discover that he/she/it has untapped force powers and is high-potential Jedi material.
  2. A villain will already know he/she/it has force powers and would be high-potential Jedi material if he/she/it didn’t wear a mask or have red face tattoos, which makes him/her/it a Sith.

Now, Caliper loves Obi Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker as much as the next personality-assessment firm does, but when it comes to operational efficiency, we have to admit the Sith make the Jedi look like they’re running  a lemonade stand.

The Jedi are, shall we say, lacking in business strategy. While Obi Wan and Luke are busy getting in bar fights on Tatooine, Darth Vader is blowing up Alderaan with a giant green laser beam that, business ethics aside, is quite the engineering marvel. And in the prequel films, the evil emperor comes to power by executing a dastardly (and totally incomprehensible) scheme. Nobody not named George Lucas remotely understands this scheme, but the Jedi sure didn’t see it coming, so it must have been super clever.

The Sith also hire committed, thorough, and results-focused apprentices. Say what you want about Darth Maul’s interpersonal skills, but the dude gave 100% to every project. Meanwhile, the Skywalker lads can’t focus, react emotionally to obstacles, and frequently make up their own rules, and the Jedi masters do nothing but shake their heads in disappointment. Did you notice how much Darth Vader’s work quality improved once he turned to the dark side?

In addition, the Sith have well-defined employee-development plans, and they believe in accountability. Speaking of the latter, do you remember what Darth Vader did to those imperial officers who questioned his efforts to retrieve the stolen Death Star plans or who came out of hyperspace to close to the Hoth system? That’s accountability!

In just a few short days we will discover what new course director J.J. Abrams has charted for the Star Wars saga. For the sake of drama and entertainment, let’s hope that no matter what happens, the Jedi haven’t learned a darn thing.